Friday, March 30, 2012

Will We Fly?

From the backseat, he asks these profound questions like, Why can't we hear God's voice?, and How will we get to Heaven...will we fly?.

I think things through and sometimes my answers seem right. Spoken in a way he can understand. And other times, I wonder if he gets it. That maybe some of this stuff is too complicated for his four year old mind.

These conversations  often turn to his brothers and sisters. He knows each of them by name and can't wait to get to Heaven to play with them.

Daddy, do you think Heaven has toys?

Daddy answers, I'm sure Heaven has the coolest toys.

Oh. Oh, yeah. But they are only for boys. Boy toys.

I ask what his sisters are doing.

He pauses, then replies. They're just dancing around.

Dancing around with Jesus.

My heart stills then beats widly with sorrow and joy.

Oh, yes. His young mind understands.

Oft times, better than my old one.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Postpartum Nausea

I don't talk a lot about my nausea during pregnancy. In general, I'm a private person, so most of you probably don't know that I was sick the entire pregnancy with August. I mean like I threw up the day before he was born. As tough as it was, I always kept in my mind the thought, "It has to end sometime. This baby will eventually be born."

And he was and he's beautiful and wonderful. 

But I'm still sick. 

I had no idea that the nausea could keep going. It hasn't been nearly intense as during pregnancy. For months it's been coming and going, fifteen minutes here, an hour there. I would only throw up once or twice a week.

Until about two weeks ago. Then it started getting much, much worse. Some days it's debilitating, and I often can't function, or I'm barely functioning. I have no patience, I snap at the kids, I'm tired and just plain crabby.

Before you say, "WOMEN, get thee to a drugstore and buy a pregnancy test," don't worry. Been there, done that. Too many times.

It was getting really expensive, so I bought a pack of twenty-five on amazon.


Along with being very private, I'm also a bit neurotic.

So here I am. Feeling sick at this very moment. Discouraged. A little bit scared, wondering has anyone else ever experienced this? When will it end? Will this be my life? 

Thursday I'll have blood work done in hopes of gaining answers, and some relief.

I'm ready for this to be done.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


The Light shines in the darkness.

And the darkness cannot overcome it.

I'm so overwhelmed at the outpouring of love I've received in response to my last post. The prayers, phone calls, emails, texts and cupcakes have been water to my soul. 

Oh, the power of bringing things to the light. There is so much freedom in the light, in surrender.

I'm still struggling, but my emotions no longer feels too big. The voices screaming in my head have quieted.

And I hear whispers of hope.