Up

Right before I got pregnant with August, I made an appointment to see a counselor. I was in a dark place and I was struggling. By the time my appointment came, I was deep in the throes of nausea so it was cancelled. 

And now, that place seems distant. In the darkness of that place, lying on my bed in agony, I was given the grace to take more steps toward healing. 

My heart still aches. It always will. But it's less like a searing knife and more like a remembering. 

I call August, Bubba. Ivy and Sylas think it's the funniest thing. Especially Ivy. She says, "Not Bubba." 

Then yesterday, I heard her talking to him and it made me smile when her sweet voice said, "Hi Bubba."

Last night, August was up for more than 3 hours straight. He hasn't been awake for more than an hour at a time since his birth, so this was new. 

And tiring. 

As I sat rocking him in the chair, I wondered if that last 15 minutes before bed while he was sleeping peacefully, I should have been doing the same instead of staring in wonder at his beautiful face. 

Nah.