Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Little Bit Like Home

Sweet refreshing. It comes JUST when you need it.

We spent a long weekend in Minnesota. And yes, we were there for the snow. Ivy was in love and ate her fill.

The entire weekend was spent with friends...many whom we haven't seen in over a year. We went to our old church and the love that we felt brought me to tears more than once. It was beautiful to watch Sylas as person after person came up to talk to him. Each one of them has a connection to him. They are invested.

These are people that walked with us, held our hands....held us when we thought we couldn't go on.

It felt like home.

And I think it will always feel like that no matter where we live.

Thank you, sweet Bethany Church friends. We love you.

*P.S. Noemi took our family photos while we there. Christmas cards here we come!!!

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Steps Once Again

I came clean this weekend. I haven't been writing for fear of what would spill out of my fingertips.

I have been going through it. That dirty mongrel grief has been holding my hand once again. You know I thought I had done a pretty good job feeling it. Going through the steps...intentional not to rush. But it's as though the steps are starting all over again and right now? Right now....

I'm angry.

Painful, consuming rage has filled me to the brim and so easily I snap and come un-glued and am a person I DO NOT WANT TO BE.

The club of losing 5 children is small. I mean really, who knows how to help?

Who, but God?

And He's the One I'm most angry at. What's a person to do with that?

I told Ryan the other night about the depth of my anger, and how the most peculiar thing is that pocketed throughout my anger is the knowledge that I'm wholly and deeply loved by God. How does He take all of my accusations and pain and fury and just LOVE me?

I think I am going to start seeing a counselor. I need to talk. I need to process again.

And I need to write. I am.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010