Sunday, July 25, 2010

Heart to Heart

Do you know that I love all of you? I do. When I started this blog, I was a skeptic and thought it a little bit silly, this writing into the black hole of the Internet. And sometimes it does feel like I'm writing into a hole, but mostly, it has been such a safe place fore me to express how I'm feeling. You all don't seem to be afraid of my emotions and for that I'm so grateful.

I know there are many of you who have prayed for our family since the moment you heard of our story. I am so humbled by this. I know I've said this before, but I really do wish we could all get together. I would give you a great big hug and make you a foamy latte on my ancient espresso machine. I'd cry and tell you how much your kind words have meant to me.

But many of you live so very far away. And in all likelihood, we'll never meet in person. Still, there is something I can do. I can pray for you. I want to pray for you. So, if you feel led, please leave a comment telling me how I can be praying for you, a family member, a friend. Whatever is on your heart. And I commit to praying for each person that leaves a comment. If you feel more comfortable, please feel free to leave it anonymously. You are known, even if I don't know who you are.



Friday, July 23, 2010

Deep Breath. Down. Up. Repeat.

Swimming, then drowning. Swimming, then drowning. I've been all over the place. Three years ago yesterday was the day we said good-bye to our sweet Lucia Rae. Yesterday I was drowning. I spent most of the day in my sweats, which is so not me. I planned a meal for dinner and even took the kids to the grocery store in the pouring rain to get all the ingredients, but when I got home, I couldn't make it. All I wanted was to lay on my bed and go to sleep. I wanted to succumb to the drowning. I didn't want to feel ALL.OF.THIS.

My parents took Sy and Ivy for awhile and Ryan and I went out for dinner. We ate food that comforted our soul and we talked about our Lucia and everything we remembered about her six weeks on this earth. And then we talked about Sylas and how smart and loving he is and we laughed about Ivy's spunk and how we get jealous of who gets to get her out of her bed in the morning (she is the snuggliest thing). I was coming up for air.

I remember doing this so often during the first week after the babies were born. There was so much despair in that NICU, watching our babies struggle, holding them as they left this earth. Then, at the end of the day or sometimes the wee hours of the morning, all of us (parents, siblings, friends) would troop back to my hospital room and talk about stupid things like flatulents and we would laugh and then cry and laugh again. It kept me sane. It kept me from going down too deep into the depths. I would sink and sink and then poof, a powerful kick to the surface, a quick breath, then down again.

It's still so much the same, but now I spend most of my time on the surface, only sinking on occasion, and by God's grace never going too low.

I breathe this beautiful life.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Take 2

We're going away for Valentines Day. Again. 

Last time didn't work out so well. 

This is the first weekend that was available for both Ryan and I and my parents [to watch our babes] since then. 

Our kids are healthy. All should be well. Right? 

Chicago, here we come!

And Happy Valentines Day!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Backstage Pass

We have been going, going, going. Last week we attended a music festival about 30 minutes from our house. Every afternoon we'd drive up and then stay late. I mean late. Our children did so well, with Sylas drumming while sitting on a big person's shoulders and Ivy shaking her thang. But why is it that no matter what time they go to bed, they still wake up at 6:43 a.m.?

And happy day, we were able to get special passes to see our favorite band up close! See Sy and Ryan? Yeah, they are in front of the crowd, so close to NeedToBreathe.

And after the show, we got to go BACKSTAGE!!!


Sylas just about jumped out of my arms into the arms of Bear, the lead singer. And then he saw Joe, the drummer and was star-struck. We thought we'd take just a quick pic of Sy with Bear and Joe and let them be on their way, but Sylas would not have it. He put his sweet little hand on Bear's face and asked (repeated-ly), "Where's Bo? Where's Seth?"

And who could resist the tiniest boy with the sweetest voice and the bluest glasses?

Apparently not Bear, as off they went into THE TOUR BUS to find Bo and Seth. All of the guys were so wonderful, answering Sy's unending questions.

Can I say it again? SQUEEEEEE....

It was a happy day, indeed.

Monday, July 5, 2010

It Really is That Color!

She's 18 months TODAY.

And, yes. Her hair really is that color. Indoors, it doesn't look so red, but as soon as the sun hits it, it's like a glorious fire.

In less than a month, Ivy will be the age Sylas was when Ivy was born. And I'm not pregnant. That makes me happy and relieved and [maybe] a little bit sad.

My baby is no longer a baby.