Monday, November 8, 2010

The Steps Once Again

I came clean this weekend. I haven't been writing for fear of what would spill out of my fingertips.

I have been going through it. That dirty mongrel grief has been holding my hand once again. You know I thought I had done a pretty good job feeling it. Going through the steps...intentional not to rush. But it's as though the steps are starting all over again and right now? Right now....

I'm angry.

Painful, consuming rage has filled me to the brim and so easily I snap and come un-glued and am a person I DO NOT WANT TO BE.

The club of losing 5 children is small. I mean really, who knows how to help?

Who, but God?

And He's the One I'm most angry at. What's a person to do with that?

I told Ryan the other night about the depth of my anger, and how the most peculiar thing is that pocketed throughout my anger is the knowledge that I'm wholly and deeply loved by God. How does He take all of my accusations and pain and fury and just LOVE me?

I think I am going to start seeing a counselor. I need to talk. I need to process again.


And I need to write.

So...here I am.

32 comments:

  1. Well, I, for one, have missed you dearly. And love your willingness to bare your soul. Words cannot express how much I admire you and your strength. I read a lot of blogs I like by a lot of people I adore, but there's just something about you that warms my heart. Maybe because you dare to not always be rainbows and lollipops and are incredibly real. I know you'll never fully be healed, but I hope you find a little more peace in your heart each day. I think therapy would be a wonderful thing.

    Also, I'm currently reading "The Good and Beautiful God" by James Bryan Smith for Bible Study. I HIGHLY recommend it and think it may help you understand how God loves us unconditionally, even when we are so angry with him.

    Hugs!

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  2. I've seen a counselor to work through some things and it was AMAZING. I went in thinking it might be kind of silly and didn't know how much I would get out of it...and now wonder why I didnt do it sooner. Hopefully you'll benefit like I did.

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  3. I lost my dad when I was 13 years old - definitely different that what you've experienced, but grief nonetheless. I thought I had dealt with things and was doing fine and my loving husband gently lead me towards counselling because he could see what I couldn't clearly see - there was a lot of unresolved hurt and anger I needed to deal with. Going to counselling was scary and uncomfortable but absolutly liberating - I wasn't held captive by my grief anymore. It was a very difficult process but I am a different person on the other side of it. I learned life lessons that I'm still using 8 years after the counselling finished. I couldn't recommend anything more helpful or powerful.

    *Hugs*

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  4. Thanks for the honesty of your post. I've been in a 12-step program, I find therapy in this myself. I've had to humble myself and seek help. I know today, that asking for help is a good thing. Love across the miles to you.

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  5. Bri,

    I ache to hear you ache. I did see a counselor for my grief and it was very helpful. I didn't think it would be at all. I was surprised. The main thing that I took away was when she said, "you've been through a lot". That was so good to hear someone say that. It validated me. Yes, I had been through alot.

    And Bri, you've been through a lot...I mean a lot.

    Love,

    Vicki

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  6. glad you are back...i've missed your posts!

    i wish i could make your anger go away though....

    i, too, am angry at God right now, even though He is still standing with me and keeping me strong,i am still upset with Him for not making my plans turn out....so i can sorta relate to how you feel angry with God right now....

    but i always try to remember that God is great!

    keeping you in my prayers and thoughts!

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  7. I lost a baby at 16 weeks, which is nothing in comparison to your incredible losses, but the grief journey was something I never expected to be so hard. I just want to say that you WILL somehow get through it, though you will never forget. The magnitude of what you experienced will cause you to need to "walk through the fire" more than once--and that's okay. Mourning your babies does not take away from precious Silas and Ivy. It does not mean you do not appreciate what gifts you have been given. It means you loved those babies and grieve them and there is no timetable for grief. Be good to yourself and let yourself mourn. Know you are loved!

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  8. I'm glad your back-I missed reading your blog! Though you are aching and grieving I want you to know that you are loved! I may have never met you, but you are my sister in Christ and as 'family' we mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice. I am still praying for you and your family as you deal with the grief of losing your 5 precious children, and as you enjoy every moment with your other two precious children!

    I'm not sure if you have heard the song "There Will Be A Day" by Jeremy Camp, but I thought of it when I read your post. Here's a link to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8gkDiTvloc

    *Hug*

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  9. Grieving sucks!
    A kiss on the face and then a punch in the stomach, up and down like a rollercoaster. I understand.

    Hugs to you.
    xo

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  10. Good for you Brianna! I think sometimes those of us wearing the ministry hat fear feeling our own hurts in the midst of all the other things in life we are supposed to be doing. I think when leaders are transparent with their hearts, it is a example for others to see and encourages them to dive into the depths of their own hurts and not be afraid to be honest with their Maker. He is big enough to handle our anger and pain- I too wonder how He could love us so deeply despite our weak hearts. It's such a wonderful mystery. We are all beautifully broken vagabonds searching for Father's wholeness on this journey of life. Nobody has arrived. Again, I'm proud of you for your transparent honesty. It inspires me to do the same. Love from the other side of the ocean, me

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  11. You're very welcome, Brianna.

    I won't pretend to understand, but you're just welcome.

    (A friend of Ryan from afar, just became a daddy 2 days ago.)

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  12. I found that talking to a counselor was necessary to deal with my own grief (not even remotely as all-encompassing as yours) and helped me tremendously to heal. And, I went for a while at 25, then again at 34, then again at 39. So, it was not a one time deal, because the grief and sense of loss does come in waves - but so does the healing. For me, it was very effective and supportive and a safe place to let it all out. Love to you, Bri.

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  13. Oh Bri...I can't begin to understand, but I love the truth that you shared...that no matter what we do or how much we walk away God never stops loving us. It never ceases to amaze me. I'm so glad you are back and I love you for your honesty. I will keep on praying for you, sweet friend!

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  14. Welcome back...you're always in my prayers, I visit your blog daily to make sure you're OK, or at least peeking in...I won't pretend to understand your pain, the greatness of it, but I will pray for you, your family on earth and in Heaven. Seeing a counselor is a good thing. I do hope it helps.

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  15. Brianna we r praying for u!! Sorry to hear that your hurting. It's never fun knowing that my sister is in deep pain!!!! We love u

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  16. Brianna - I'm not sure I can say things any better than the other posters...but know you are not alone. You are prayed for and I am so sorry you are hurting. I have lost two children and feel like I have been on this roller coaster of grief forever (6 years) and through the birth of 3 more children - and yet I know it's a longer journey ahead. I wish I had an easy answer for you - but I agree that writing and seeing a counselor just might give you some clarity.

    The pain will never go away...you will never be the same...but having an outlet is so important so you can breathe again.

    Thinking of you!

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  17. After I lost a baby last year, I fell into the deep, deep depths of despair... I can only imagine how you must have felt losing five children at once. It is definitely a good thing to seek help - there ARE others out there that have gone through what you went through and they are there to help you. And we are all here to be a sounding board.

    God bless!!

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  18. Hello,
    It's been a long time since I wrote, but felt the urge to tell you... BE angry! It's okay! I'm sure others will tell you this as well, but I wanted to do it also. I lost two of my three babies in 2006. I am still angry, although it has softened a bit. I remember the days I would scream at Him and give him the finger, so badly wanting to physically HIT him, and scratch and bite! I have no idea how losing five could possibly feel, but remember that a faith not quesitoned is not a faith worth having.
    I feel stronger in my faith than ever before and I find it so ironic that a situation like ours is what turned it around. I would have thought the opposite would have happened. Those of us who have lost children are forever changed in ways that not everyone can see or understand.
    These feeling you are having are really okay and natural. You will find other ways to deal with them, although they will never really go away, unfortunately. But maybe that's okay.
    Peace to you.
    Amy
    amyhanson5@juno.com

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  19. I am so sorry you are going through a hard time right now. I find that for me the loss of losing a child is almost like a cycle - you climb that mountaina and are feeling great and then you look down and see the beauty and are reminded of what you lost. I pray that counseling help you to find some healing and peace. If you ever need to talk please know I am here. I can never express how much you helped me when I lost Ian.

    Praying for you.

    Misty

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  20. We are here for you, Bri. We love you and embrace you in your grief, in your anger, in your loss. More importantly, Our Savior, The Comforter is with you this very moment. He knows your grief, He knows your pain, and He loves you unconditionally.

    Praying for you now.

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  21. I just wanted to let you know that I actually read this last night and I've been thinking about you off and on since then. I'm so sorry for your loss and the earthly pain you feel now. I hope you can find some peace and comfort in knowing that you will see your babies again some day but right now I know that's not much consolation. I'm praying for you and for that peace. xoxo

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  22. I'm praying for you. You are such a strong woman and I care about you so much! He WILL help you be victorious over the anger! Not much makes sense, but His LOVE PREVAILS!

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  23. Brianna,
    No one can exactly know what you are feeling, but I hope it helps to know that we all care about you and hurt with you as we read this blog. I lost 2 babies, which is not 5, but I understand some of that incredible anger and deep pain. In fact, my second baby that I lost we named Lucia after being inspired by your strength and grace as I read your blog. My deepest hurt was losing my brother (my best friend). My whole family was so incredibly bogged down in sorrow that it was hard to cope for me because my usual support system was broken as they were all hurting so bad they couldn't take on any more pain than they were already dealing with. I saw a counselor after that and it finally put to rest some of that grief and let me sort through what I was feeling. If you are feeling like you need to go see one, you should do it. It may bring you some peace and comfort and help you sort through your feelings. Those babies of yours were so lucky to be born to such an amazing person! They are looking down on you and smiling as they watch you raise their brother and sister. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You really make a difference in so many people's lives.

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  24. I don't know what it is like to lose 5 children, but i do know what it is like to lose one. I was having a hard time and was very angry with God even months after everyone forgot, I still hurt. One day I received a book in the mail from my aunt. It is called "Losing You Too Soon" by Bernadette Keaggy. God put it on my aunts heart to send this too me at just the right time. This book helps you process your grief with opportunity to journal and just let God touch your heart. It doesn't fix it but it helps you grow. I pray that you feel God's love as you go through this time. Praying for you.

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  25. so i was never a blog reader before a couple of months ago and i was super bored at work one night and i somehow stumbled across yours...after reading your recent post i had to go back and read all of them...i am so sorry for what you and your family have been through but i also think that your are an AMAZING woman and mother for being able to put your thoughts and feelings out there like you do! i hope that you will one day be able to find peace...i look forward to your updates and seeing how your precious little boy thrives and that sweet little girl makes everyone smile!
    annie from texas

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  26. Just found your blog, and I can't believe all you've been through. Your little ones are so precious -every one! I'll be praying that you find a good Christian counselor to talk to.
    Warm regards ~Becky

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  27. It's alright to be angry. You NEED to be to help you heal. Of course you will never forget your 5 angels in heaven, but you can and deserve to heal your heart. All of your friends (irl life and online) are here to support you in any way we can. Just know I think you are a pretty amazing person -- and I doubt I am alone.

    :) Heather

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  28. this makes my heart ache. glad that you are going to see someone. prayers for you.

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  29. Wow, I have tears in my eyes. I cannot imagine your pain, anger, and emotions. I know he cherishes the honesty in your heart and cries. I just found your site and I will be back. Praying tonight for you and your family and your heart. I truly cannot imagine.

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  30. Came on over from MIS...Your raw honesty has really helped me understand why I am unable to write like I use to. I GET the fear of what may come out.

    I will be praying for you and your family.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I love hearing from you.

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