Friday, July 23, 2010

Deep Breath. Down. Up. Repeat.

Swimming, then drowning. Swimming, then drowning. I've been all over the place. Three years ago yesterday was the day we said good-bye to our sweet Lucia Rae. Yesterday I was drowning. I spent most of the day in my sweats, which is so not me. I planned a meal for dinner and even took the kids to the grocery store in the pouring rain to get all the ingredients, but when I got home, I couldn't make it. All I wanted was to lay on my bed and go to sleep. I wanted to succumb to the drowning. I didn't want to feel ALL.OF.THIS.

My parents took Sy and Ivy for awhile and Ryan and I went out for dinner. We ate food that comforted our soul and we talked about our Lucia and everything we remembered about her six weeks on this earth. And then we talked about Sylas and how smart and loving he is and we laughed about Ivy's spunk and how we get jealous of who gets to get her out of her bed in the morning (she is the snuggliest thing). I was coming up for air.

I remember doing this so often during the first week after the babies were born. There was so much despair in that NICU, watching our babies struggle, holding them as they left this earth. Then, at the end of the day or sometimes the wee hours of the morning, all of us (parents, siblings, friends) would troop back to my hospital room and talk about stupid things like flatulents and we would laugh and then cry and laugh again. It kept me sane. It kept me from going down too deep into the depths. I would sink and sink and then poof, a powerful kick to the surface, a quick breath, then down again.

It's still so much the same, but now I spend most of my time on the surface, only sinking on occasion, and by God's grace never going too low.

I breathe this beautiful life.


  1. Praying that God will bless you... in your moments of grief... in your moments of relief. In the breaths and even in the depths. Praying that He will hold you tight, even as he holds your sweet babies tight to himself right now

  2. Keep your focus on God's grace, stay positive, think about your gains and less on your losses, think about life after this one on earth, hold on, Breathe

  3. I can't imagine. Lucia Rae is such a gorgeous name.


  4. Crying with you in your drowning times ... so glad you are able to come up for air ... and yet talk about the sorrow.

  5. hi friend. once again, i feel like i understand even though i can't begin to compare what i have gone through with what you are going through. today was a sinking down day for me. God rescued me, though, with a reminder of the sacrifice of Jesus. it brought me comfort and relief. praying for comfort and relief for you.

    elizabeth m.

  6. sending you love, Brianna! I know the drowning and the coming up for air.

  7. Love you! And your babies!

  8. Beautifully written. I am so glad you are able to spend more days than not on the surface. You are your family are in my thoughts as you go through day after day remembering your babies. The day I lost my daughter is the hardest day of the year every year, I cannot imagine doing it more than once.

  9. You are so strong, even when you feel you are not. Hugs and prayers...


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