Sunday, March 14, 2010

Moments

Sy is trying to fall asleep, but it's not going so well. He's coughing and coughing and then coughing some more. As far as the sickies go, they make me less and less nervous as Sylas grows. His teeny tiny damaged lungs are growing all of this beautifully healthy new tissue and with each x-ray, the damaged portions look smaller and smaller in comparison to the healthy lung.

Still, when I hear that old man cough echoing on the bare walls of Sy's new room, I feel a little bit sad.

There are moments almost every day when my heart breaks for my son. Moments of utter sadness, wishing I could have done better for him. Oh, I know everyone says I did the best I could with how long I kept the babies safe in their tiny cocoon. Yet...

I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I just feel sad when I see Ivy running by her brother, and knowing he wants to join her. I see the longing in his eyes. And I feel sad when Sy is in the church nursery. He has one sweet little friend {she's a preemie herself, so maybe she knows}, but the rest of the kids his age don't play with him. I think it's because he's still mostly crawling, and it's hard for them to interact with him. And then I wonder how much harder it's going to get. When he goes to school, will he be left out? Will kids make fun?

I don't want him to get lost in the shuffle.


He's so wonderful and he teaches me so much. Everyone who knows him {and countless others who don't} love him, yet there are moments. Moments when I feel panicky and wish that I could make it all a little bit easier for him.

But really, life isn't easy for anyone is it? We all have our struggles, and that's why I know I need to keep teaching him to find beauty and delight in the small things. He's watching me and I want him to see me handle difficult situations with grace. But I mess up. A lot.

Sigh.

I want to be a good mom. I really, really do.

20 comments:

  1. Oh, but you are a good mom. If you weren't a good mom, you wouldn't wonder if you could do better. If you weren't a good mom, it wouldn't break your heart to see your baby suffering. If you weren't a good mom, you wouldn't wonder if there was more you could have done. More you should do.

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  2. You are an amazing mother.
    The fact that you think about all this? Makes you more amazing than you know.

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  3. I believe you are doing an amazing job. While I have never met Sylas or Ivy, and haven't seen you in 13 years the Brianna I knew back then was a wonderful, caring, and generous person. And from what I can tell you are not only same person but one who has grown and changed. Thank you for sharing. Because as a mother to an early bird I just want to be a good mother too.

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  4. I just love your beautiful heart and really appreciate your words right now. Been feeling the same way with different circumstances ... I want to be a good mom, teach my boys how to stand through the struggles, lean on God, find the beauty in the rain. It's really hard.
    Honestly, though, when we second guess our mothering, we rob ourselves of strength. I am in the midst of this right now. And I have to stop. It's hard, but I have to stop. Because I honestly know in my heart that God doesn't want me "should've and could've"ing myself. He wants me to look up not look back.
    You are a spectacular mom, and your love for your kids shines and shines and shines. Sy can see that. He knows and will always know you did the best you could.

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  5. Bri, I often want to respond to your posts with something eloquent but sometimes they just take my breath away. Your family is so blessed to have you.

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  6. awww, you are a wonderful mother already!! (and i don't even know you in person) I can just tell from your words and pictures of your sweet, happy children!
    i think all moms and dads have the same fear for their kids, even if they weren't preemies and are totally "healthy". Sy is one tough kid, thanks to God and his parents, so he will be able to make it through anything!

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  7. you are a WONDERFUL mom...and we all feel like we could do better...I do, that I know. You are amazing and don't think anything different.

    And that little man...people will love him!

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  8. I think you are a great mom. I think all mom's have things they wish they could spare their children from. (I wrote about mine last week - http://lunargoat.blogspot.com/2010/03/if-you-know-me-in-real-life-this-will.html )

    I think though that awareness and the fact that you are always looking for ways to ease it make it better. You are amazing.

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  9. This brought tears to my eyes.

    Only a good mother would think about all those thoughts and emotions you just expressed. Only a good mother would long to make life as easy as possible for her child.

    You are a very good mother. And I have no doubt in my mind that Sylas (and Ivy) knows and appreciates that.

    *Hugs* I hope the weight of stress and worry on your shoulders becomes less heavy as he grows.

    Marianne

    PS, my goat's milk soap arrived (I was one of the winners) and I am in LOVE. She sent me the Peony and a sample of Cranberry Citrus AND a hand knitted soap saver. Thank you so much for the giveaway!

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  10. You are so exceptional. You really are. I love coming here. Because your soul is clear and comes right through your words. That son of yours is so lucky to have you as his mama. And I love that kid. He has such life in him! And the soul of his mama. And you are BOTH teaching us all.

    Thinking of you....

    Lee

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  11. I THINK YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MAMA!!! SY IS SO PRECIOUS!!!!

    BUT WE ARE MAMA'S AND WE ALL TEND TO WORRY IF WE ARE GOOD AT BEING GOOD AT IT! I THINK YOU DO A WONDERFUL JOB!!!!

    CHERYL

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  12. Brianna-
    You are a super mom! We have experienced our ups and down with Claudia trying to keep up with other kids. She was the first one of my girls twins to have a playdate and there always seems to be several dear souls who really enjoy playing with her. Once Sylas starts kindergarten the kids sit and play more, he'll keep up and hopeful a creative teacher will find ways to always include him.
    It does get easier as you can more clearly see your child's strengths and resiliency.
    Much love your way.

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  13. Oh how I love coming here. You are such an open book, and I am blessed every time I visit. So thank you, Bri.

    Only an amazing mother would question, doubt, and want nothing but the best for her children.
    You are doing a terrific job! God chose you and Sylas (and Ryan & Ivy) for each other for a specific reason. He is still using your family for His glory! And your testimony continunes.

    Sylas doesn't have disabilities, only different abilities than his peers - and I'm sure that his zest for life and his sensitivity, and his laughter (ohhh, his laughter! I remember the video...haha!!) measure far beyond that of his peers, already. And I know there is more, because I only see a slice of your lives....

    But, I know....as a Mom, you want to protect him from....well, the world, right?

    Praying for you, today & always, my friend.

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  14. I have 2 little preemie boys myself. I have spent many nights wondering and worrying and wishing those same things. But life is good because they are here with me. They may not be able to do all the things their classmates can, but they can do others. They are so sweet and sensitive, so smart and funny. When the dark of night filled with all its worries gives way to the light of day and the sun shines on those beautiful little boys of mine, just like your Sylas, my worries seem to melt away. They will be ok - we will be ok. You will do great, you are his biggest fan, his biggest advocate and you know what you need to do. With your love he can do anything.

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  15. I understand, and I know. And I know you're a good mom. :)

    Steph

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  16. You are such a wonderful mom! Count me in those who fell in love with Sylas, but have never met him.

    Mommy guilt is a hard thing. How wonderful that his lungs are growning so strong, that is absolutely amazing. Not sure what I'm all trying to say, just hoping to keep encouraging you.

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  17. God chose you for all your children. You are a good mom, their mom!

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  18. Bri - please keep us posted on Sy's cough. Hope he feels better soon.

    Remember, you were chosen by God to be Sy and Ivy's mom. You are the best mom, don't ever doubt yourself.

    Sending my love prayers.

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  19. I so feel your pain and know what you are dealing with. My duaghter was born at 27 weeks and had a grade 3 bleed when she was 2 weeks old that caused mild CP. She also has tremors and a seizure disorder. She is now 7 years old and in 2nd grade. She is different from the other kids and her only friends are her cousins. I worry about her daily, and pray that I am doing everything I can for her. We have made the difficult decision to hold her back in 2nd grade next year due to her reading skills and her maturity level.

    Being a mom to a preemie is never easy, but always a blessing!! Praying for you and Sy as he grows and you do the best you can to take care of him. You are a great mom, and I am sure Sy will blossom!!

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  20. wow Brianna... my eyes are filled with tears... I don't cry much while on the computer, I'm usually a skimmer when looking at blogs and there is so much info it's almost like I'm a little desensitized to the feelings someone is sharing... but this post really struck me, that inner heart of a mom who loves her child so much she will do anything for them and can't bear to see them struggle or be hurt...
    The Lord has been taking me through a season of: not being afraid of being uncomfortable. Also, not running away from those feeling or situations that are hard and/or uncomfortable.
    I am realizing that my example will matter so much to how my kids face those situations of discomfort or challenge...
    anyway, just really loved this post and could feel that deep emotion along with you...
    -Beka

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Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I love hearing from you.

P.S. I'm sorry for the word verification step, but oh, my. I'm getting lots of spam.