Saturday, February 20, 2010

Letting Go

It's been 3 days since Sylas had his seizure, and it's the first time I've left him since then. I'm sitting at Starbucks, enjoying my espresso and trying to recharge. I'm drained. So many emotions have surrounded this experience. Worry, fear, relief, tension, thankfulness and guilt. Oh, the guilt. I feel so guilty that we weren't with Sy when he seized. My aunt did everything we would've done, but how did Sylas feel? Was he afraid? Was he wondering why we weren't with him?

I know I need to let go of this guilt. It doesn't accomplish anything. And as Sylas gets older, we'll be apart more and more. There will be school and friends birthday parties and summer camp. I can't hover over him every moment. This letting go is inevitable. But my heart is fighting it.

Anyone else think being a mom is hard?

Sy has been lethargic and feverish since Wednesday evening. Thankfully with pain relievers, we've been able to keep his fever from spiking, and in turn avoiding more seizures, but I'm ready for him to feel better. Like he felt last Saturday.

Enjoying tunnels and slides.

Please, oh, please. Get better soon, Bug.


  1. So sorry to hear about the seizure.

    When I feel crippled with fear, I try to bring myself into the current moment and remind myself that everything is okay right now, and right now is all we have.

    Warm regards,

  2. Oh scary! I remember walking in the nursery when Valerie was having a seizure. I had to leave, because I was so overwhelmed. Hers was also because she was sick and had a fever. Every time she starts to even get a slight fever, that same feeling of hopelessness threatens to overtake me, but then I remember that He has not forsaken us yet and I know He never will. Praying he feels better soon! I'll give you a call on Monday when I have a chance - hang in there sweet friend!

  3. yes, i do...being a mom is the hardest job i had ever had, but i would not trade it for the world. hang in there dear...thinking and praying for you!

  4. Yes,being a mother has many more chanlleges than one would or could imagine until you have become one. I try to thank my mom as often as I can for all of her sacrifices during my childhood (and beyond). I find it amazing how difficult things are that people don't talk the emotions one the ones you are speaking of...mommy guilt, worry, fear, overwhelming love and pride for your children...those things you can't explain, until you feel it for yourself.

  5. I sure hope he is feeling like himself again soon! How very scary.

    Being a mother is so hard and letting go seems impossible at times. But there is still time to work on that and for now we can hold on tight. You are right, one day letting go will have to happen and it's bound to get easier by then. Thinking and praying for you:)

  6. Brianna,
    I can totally relate. My baby had a febrile seizure a few weeks ago and had to have an ambulance ride and I'm in Afghanistan. It kills me no to be there, but God is so faithful. My little dude ended up having mono w/ continuing fevers for a few weeks. Hope Sy is feeling better soon!

  7. Mama guilt is the strongest of all, it's paralyzing.
    I'm glad you took some time to sit and recharge today - I know I'm a better mom when I have quiet moments to work through things.
    Hoping the fever stays at bay... you and your family are in my prayers.

  8. Thank you Bri for being so real and honest ... I am so with you on being a mom is hard. I love it more than anything else ... but it is draining! And the GUILT ... I feel it continually. And because we believe in attachment parenting ... I feel I experience it even more ... every time I set them down ... or they are not sleeping with us, etc. And leaving them isn't even an option as we have no family to do so.
    And I am not as smart as you ... knowing when it is time to take a break and leave Todd with them ... so I lose it with him.
    Liam has also been sick with fever for past 5 days ... hasn't slept or eaten well since Tuesday:( And I am exhausted ... and really sick of his crabbiness too. But feel guilty for that too.
    Anyway, sorry to babble ... thanks for sharing and I am praying for you too.
    You are a great mommy!
    PS ... I have a scheduled playdate at our house this Thursday at 9:30 for the breastfeeding group ... if you would like to join, I would love it:)

  9. I do hope Sylas gets better very soon. Yes, bringing up children can be hard and brings with it almost endess worry and feelings of guilt. It’s the best, most wonderful, most rewarding thing you will ever do, but no one can deny that it is still hard work. It’s a 24 hour job after all. Be kind to yourself. You have no reason to feel guilty. You need a little leisure time too, especially considering what you have been through. But here you are now, with two beautiful children. And in heaven you can be sure those five little angels will be watching over their brother and sister and smiling and laughing along with them, as they grow and experience all the wonders of this world. God bless you and all your family, including those five little sweethearts who have gone on before you. One day you will hold them in your arms again, but in the meantime you have two adorable little mischief makers in this world, to guide along the road to maturity. Have fun along the way :)

  10. Exactly. Let it go, and focus on right now.

    Hope that adorable little boy feels better soon - I look forward to seeing his pictures!

  11. you all are still in my prayers! hope sweet sy feels better and gets back to his lovely, laughing self very soon!!!

  12. I hope Sylas gets to feeling better soon. Heck Brianna by son who is 28 just moved out and I still worry about him. I don't think the mothering ever goes away. Sherri

  13. Brianna - I hope by now Sy is feeling much better!! I've been thinking of you all weekend! We've had high fevers at our house, and one spiked while my son was at daycare and often times I wonder the same thing - does he wonder why I wasn't with him when he was feeling so bad?

    I know - mom guilt is such a hard feeling and one that we impose on ourselves. It's hard to trust that we are making the right choices and that our kids are fine. I know - I feel it often.

    Hang in there and know you are doing great best job!!!!

    Hugs always!

  14. Febrile seizures are so scary... just know that things will get better. He is a strong, strong boy! And you're strong, too!

  15. Hoping Sylas is feeling better. My oldest is 15 and I still hover, I swore I would let go when he started high school, and I still can't (won't). My daughter is 7 and the baby is 2 and I am a self-admitted "helicopter" parent. LOL Being a mom is the hardest job ever, no job description, but the pay, is Wonderful. I love sloppy toddler kisses and stick people drawings and teenager attitude. Don't feel guilty. God knew what he was doing when he gave you as parents to Sylas and Ivy.

  16. Bless his lil heart! they are so pitiful when they feel bad! I pray he feels better soon... and yes being a GOOD mama is very hard! i feel guilty all the time...i have to leave Lukas to work full time...i know abou the guilt thing


  17. thinking of you and your family.

    hoping he will be back to sliding and tunneling very soon.

  18. I could not agree more: mothering IS hard.

    Praying today, for you, my friend. Praying for health for your household, and for Little Sy to be made well again.

    (((hugs))) from Michigan!


    PS. I saw your tweet about selling your g-diapers - did you find something you love better? Just curious....

  19. Aw. I'm really praying for you... And your sweet Li'l Bug. (((HUGS))) God's grace sometimes only comes in moment-sized portions.

  20. Hey Brianna-

    I remembered Trinity had a seizure when she was about 1year old due to having a very high fever. I was at work and she was with my was the most horrible feeling being away from her. I felt the whole world had turned upside down and I was not there at that very moment to be with her....I know to some extent how you're feeling...but remember that God is always with him even when we can't physically be there!

    Love you guys...

  21. Yes. Let go of that guilt. I feel it, too, and I am trying SO HARD to give it up... I'll try even harder if you do too.


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