Friday, February 5, 2010

About Mothering My Girls

I wrote about losing the three boys and how we knew early on that their lives would be short. But I haven't written about the girls.

It's painful.

Not that losing the boys was any less painful, but after that first precarious week of life, we had hope. We thought we would get to keep the girls. Especially Lucia. Cadence, the smallest baby, struggled for each of the thirteen days she lived, but Lucia was strong. Lucia lived for six weeks.

I gave Lucia baths. I put teeny tiny pink clothes on her. When she and Sy were about four weeks old, I started planning their nursery.

I was able to hold Lucia for the first time when she was five and a half weeks old. We have it on video. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. And then I didn't hold her again until she was dying.

I miss her.

But do you know what's beautiful?

I have a girl. With me. Right now.

When I got pregnant with Ivy, I prayed she would be a girl. I needed a girl. Not to replace Lucia and Cadence. Not ever. But because after having a small taste of mothering girls, I needed more.

And my sweet baby Ives has brought such a beautiful healing to my heart. I no longer question every decision that we or the doctors made during my pregnancy with the sextuplets. I no longer ask the "what if's." Because if Lucia or any of the other babies had lived, our lives would have been very busy, and Ryan and I would have taken more precautions to not get pregnant. And that means we wouldn't have Ivy, and I can't imagine my life without Ivy.

I can't trade one child for another.

So while I will always desperately miss my girls, I'm at peace.

My life is good. So very good.

17 comments:

  1. I can't imagine what you have gone through but yes, you have THE CUTEST little girl. And there is so much joy in that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. She's so precious. I know you and I discussed this "trading" and I am with you. Also, I really can't begin to imagine your loss. Somehow, I wonder if your other girls knew about Ivy. If they see her now, and know she makes you even happier because you knew them first.
    So much love to you friend, so much.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh my goodness. i am bawling.

    what precious time you had with cadence and lucia. what a gift. and your perspective? the biggest gift of all.

    i often remind myself that my 5 children are the only treasures that i get to take with me. and you will have 7. i can only imagine how your flesh could ache for them, but with an eternal perspective? what a great time THAT is going to be.

    thank you for sharing some of your girls, too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Such a beautiful post. Thank for God for Ivy for bringing you peace.

    ReplyDelete
  5. oooo she is such a cutie!!
    what a humbling and sweet post....and now ivy has her two big sisters watching over her always!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Its taken a lot of strength for you to even get to the point of writing something like this.
    Those little girls lives weren't in vain, even though they were with you for so little time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so amazed by you. Your words, your spirit. And I'm so glad you have Ivy. Little girls are such a gift. I had no idea I needed one until my Paige came along... mothering a girl is so different than a boy. Not better or worse, but for me, it makes me a little more complete. The giving back almost. I don't know. I'm rambling through tear filled eyes. This was just beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  8. loving you more and more each and everyday. So glad that you are my daughter, and so in love with all three of my beautiful granddaughters!
    Thanks for being you, Bri!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Grateful to God for His neverending love & peace through giving you Ivy. What an amazing treasure she is; what an amazing God we serve!

    thank you, for continuing to write your story, and share with us. Your faith & hope are inspiring.

    Blessings, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  10. i love the outfit so adorable

    ReplyDelete
  11. As always, you write the most beautiful posts. You have a beautiful, beautiful family. i can't imagine how full your heart will be in Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh my, Brianna...your post about your daughters is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I am choked up because I have felt such similar emotions so many times. I did not get to mother my daughter on this earth for long - she passed within moments of being born. And it was the same for my first born son. But when my second son was born, I felt the peace you describe when it comes to having a son to mother...and I feel that I have pieces of Devin with me always when I look at my 3 boys who came after him.

    When I was pregnant with my last pregnancy, twins, I prayed that one would be a girl. Not to replace Elizabeth who I lost, must like you decribe - but I so despretely wanted to mother a girl.

    I was blessed with two more sons. I have 3 here on earth with me - Landon, Austin and Aiden - who I would not trade for the world. Ever. But I do know the ache of wanting to mother a girl. And I am so happy for you that you have sweet Ives in your arms. She is just beautiful.

    Thinking of you...and ALL of your blessings! (Hugs)

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is beautiful and so precious Bri! I am glad that you have Ivy!

    ReplyDelete
  14. My God, you are amazing. Simply, breathtakingly amazingly beautiful. I love you, and I am so glad I know you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. They do say "the Lord works in mysterious ways." I am happy for you to have gotten your 2nd chance.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Beautiful, touching post! You are right - your Ivy is gorgeous. But of course you will always cary Cadence and Lucia close to your heart... They are your girlies. And I can bet you that they hand-picked Ivy out for you up in Heaven before she started growing in your belly. Your other girls kissed her and blessed her and told her what a fantabulous mommy and daddy she was about to get!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. love this blog! loving the small things...the only way to live this beautiful life!

    found your sweet comment on kelle's blog and followed it over.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I love hearing from you.

P.S. I'm sorry for the word verification step, but oh, my. I'm getting lots of spam.