Thursday, December 23, 2010

With Love

It's hustly and bustly and I'm trying to get things pre-pared.

I've been feeling down the past few weeks. The Holidays are difficult, but I'm happy to see my babies enjoying the season and it brings me joy to watch the wonder in Sy's face as he tells the Christmas story.

We'll be opening gifts just the four of us [together] tonight, as the next few days we'll be party hopping. We have a few special gifts for Sylas and Ivy. One for Sylas came in the most beautiful way and I can't wait to share photos and the story.

May you all have a blessed Christmas.

With love....




Thursday, December 9, 2010

In the Midst

Sometimes I can't believe I have a girl.

Somebody pinch me.



Losing Lucia and Cadence was devastating and horrible beyond belief. Not being able to touch their silky skin or dress them in frilly tutus or fix their sweet girly hair makes me ache.

But this girl helps. A lot.



She doesn't in any way replace Lucia or Cadence. No one ever could.

But she makes life better....she is a promise of something better.

She is beauty. Amidst the pain.




Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Little Bit Like Home

Sweet refreshing. It comes JUST when you need it.

We spent a long weekend in Minnesota. And yes, we were there for the snow. Ivy was in love and ate her fill.

The entire weekend was spent with friends...many whom we haven't seen in over a year. We went to our old church and the love that we felt brought me to tears more than once. It was beautiful to watch Sylas as person after person came up to talk to him. Each one of them has a connection to him. They are invested.

These are people that walked with us, held our hands....held us when we thought we couldn't go on.

It felt like home.

And I think it will always feel like that no matter where we live.

Thank you, sweet Bethany Church friends. We love you.


*P.S. Noemi took our family photos while we there. Christmas cards here we come!!!



Monday, November 8, 2010

The Steps Once Again

I came clean this weekend. I haven't been writing for fear of what would spill out of my fingertips.

I have been going through it. That dirty mongrel grief has been holding my hand once again. You know I thought I had done a pretty good job feeling it. Going through the steps...intentional not to rush. But it's as though the steps are starting all over again and right now? Right now....

I'm angry.

Painful, consuming rage has filled me to the brim and so easily I snap and come un-glued and am a person I DO NOT WANT TO BE.

The club of losing 5 children is small. I mean really, who knows how to help?

Who, but God?

And He's the One I'm most angry at. What's a person to do with that?

I told Ryan the other night about the depth of my anger, and how the most peculiar thing is that pocketed throughout my anger is the knowledge that I'm wholly and deeply loved by God. How does He take all of my accusations and pain and fury and just LOVE me?

I think I am going to start seeing a counselor. I need to talk. I need to process again.


And I need to write.

So...here I am.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Minutes

This guy. According to his physical therapist, is doing FABULOUS.


Sylas stood on his own for several minutes today during therapy.

Yes, you read that right. MINUTES!

He is also taking a few steps independently. We are so proud.

At this point, Sy needs some other things to happen medically before he can move forward into more independent walking, so we are in the midst of talking with doctors, specialists and therapists. We're asking God for great wisdom during this process. Would you pray as well?

Monday, October 4, 2010

It will. It has to.

I'm here. I am. Just feeling the weight of everything lately. I have questions, not many answers and a lot of tears. I wonder if it will always be like this. Seasons of sorrow coming and going.

Yesterday, we sang a song in church and the words washed over my soul like a healing balm.

Joy will come in the morning
Riding on the wings of the dawn.
I know
Joy will come after mourning
As surely as you are God

Joy will come, believe
Joy will come, joy will come



Joy will come like the harvest
Reaping for the tears that we sow
I know
Joy will run to the farthest place
As surely as you are God

Joy will come, believe
Joy will come, joy will come



What is this Hope I feel
It's helping
What is this peace beyond understanding
You're still the sovereign Lord
There's healing in your wings

Joy will come, believe
Joy will come, joy will come



*Joy Will Come by Desperation Band.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Twirly Girl

Ivy Pearl, our twirly girl.



Budding artist. [This girl can draw circles like nobody's business, is starting to write her name and draws a mean face. Not that it looks mean, it's just pretty darn good for a 20 month old.]



Free-spirited wanderer.


She has so much spirit, and we often don't know what to do with it, but it's beautiful.
So very beautiful.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Teachers

They're getting it, this sibling/friend thing. 
They still fight...a lot. 
But they also hug a lot.
They chase each other.
Sylas zooming around on his walker and Ivy tripping over her giggles.
 Each one, teaching the other.


Friday, August 27, 2010

Break Dance through this Life

I was watching this today. And just amazed at my son and in awe of our God.

Sylas is in the process of serial casting after botox again. We're in the second week and he's chosen purple casts both times. I think it makes Grandpa Morrison happy that even though we are living smack in the middle of cheese country, Sylas is still sticking to his Minnesota roots. 

It's incredible how steady on his feet Syas is with his casts. He's been taking so many steps. 3 here. 5 there. It's beautiful. But I'm ready for him to be done with the casting so we can go swimming during these last couple weeks of summer. My child is a fish. With no fear. 

I learn so much from him, watching him live with abandon, not hindered in any way.


He even knows how to break dance. *Wink, wink.*

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

One of Those Days

It's been a good day. 

One of those days I played with the kids a lot!

One of those days I had time to clean at least a little.

One of those day when supper was in the oven before Ryan came home from work.

Today, I felt like a good mom and a good wife. Usually I feel like I'm one or the other.

It's been a good day.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Hi

I'm here. I really am. The last days, no weeks have felt crazy. I have lots of words and they are all spinning about my head waiting to be placed in their proper order.

The weather has been a bit cooler yesterday and today, and now I'm itching to write again. I'm not sure what it is about the hot and humid, but it makes me unmotivated for ALL THINGS, except the pool. And also strawberry lemonade from Trader Joes.

So while you are waiting for me to cool off, I'll leave you with this...



And also this.



Thursday, August 5, 2010

We're Going on a Field Trip

It's no secret that we love Matilda Jane Clothing in our house.


(Ivy sporting some MJC and my winter hat).

Next Monday evening, Ivy and I will be hosting a Matilda Jane Trunk Show. Matilda Jane clothing can only be purchased through trunk shows right now, so if you're local, we'd love for you to attend. It'll be a fun evening of eating, hanging out and shopping! What could be better than that?


Send an email to briannamorrison(at)gmail(dot)com for more info.

If you'd like to place an order, but can't join us or aren't local, no problem. Just go to Matilda Jane Clothing's website, check out "the goods," make a wishlist, then email it to my address that's listed above. I'll be in contact with you shortly after to work out payment.

All orders must be placed no later than 5pm (CST) on August 9.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Like Oreos and Milk

Ryan leaves for kids camp tomorrow. The children and I have fun things planned while he's away, but it won't be the same without him. 

I love my husband.

And it's always better when we're together. 


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Heart to Heart

Do you know that I love all of you? I do. When I started this blog, I was a skeptic and thought it a little bit silly, this writing into the black hole of the Internet. And sometimes it does feel like I'm writing into a hole, but mostly, it has been such a safe place fore me to express how I'm feeling. You all don't seem to be afraid of my emotions and for that I'm so grateful.

I know there are many of you who have prayed for our family since the moment you heard of our story. I am so humbled by this. I know I've said this before, but I really do wish we could all get together. I would give you a great big hug and make you a foamy latte on my ancient espresso machine. I'd cry and tell you how much your kind words have meant to me.

But many of you live so very far away. And in all likelihood, we'll never meet in person. Still, there is something I can do. I can pray for you. I want to pray for you. So, if you feel led, please leave a comment telling me how I can be praying for you, a family member, a friend. Whatever is on your heart. And I commit to praying for each person that leaves a comment. If you feel more comfortable, please feel free to leave it anonymously. You are known, even if I don't know who you are.

Kisses.

Bri

Friday, July 23, 2010

Deep Breath. Down. Up. Repeat.

Swimming, then drowning. Swimming, then drowning. I've been all over the place. Three years ago yesterday was the day we said good-bye to our sweet Lucia Rae. Yesterday I was drowning. I spent most of the day in my sweats, which is so not me. I planned a meal for dinner and even took the kids to the grocery store in the pouring rain to get all the ingredients, but when I got home, I couldn't make it. All I wanted was to lay on my bed and go to sleep. I wanted to succumb to the drowning. I didn't want to feel ALL.OF.THIS.

My parents took Sy and Ivy for awhile and Ryan and I went out for dinner. We ate food that comforted our soul and we talked about our Lucia and everything we remembered about her six weeks on this earth. And then we talked about Sylas and how smart and loving he is and we laughed about Ivy's spunk and how we get jealous of who gets to get her out of her bed in the morning (she is the snuggliest thing). I was coming up for air.

I remember doing this so often during the first week after the babies were born. There was so much despair in that NICU, watching our babies struggle, holding them as they left this earth. Then, at the end of the day or sometimes the wee hours of the morning, all of us (parents, siblings, friends) would troop back to my hospital room and talk about stupid things like flatulents and we would laugh and then cry and laugh again. It kept me sane. It kept me from going down too deep into the depths. I would sink and sink and then poof, a powerful kick to the surface, a quick breath, then down again.

It's still so much the same, but now I spend most of my time on the surface, only sinking on occasion, and by God's grace never going too low.

I breathe this beautiful life.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Take 2

We're going away for Valentines Day. Again. 

Last time didn't work out so well. 

This is the first weekend that was available for both Ryan and I and my parents [to watch our babes] since then. 

Our kids are healthy. All should be well. Right? 

Chicago, here we come!

And Happy Valentines Day!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Backstage Pass

We have been going, going, going. Last week we attended a music festival about 30 minutes from our house. Every afternoon we'd drive up and then stay late. I mean late. Our children did so well, with Sylas drumming while sitting on a big person's shoulders and Ivy shaking her thang. But why is it that no matter what time they go to bed, they still wake up at 6:43 a.m.?

And happy day, we were able to get special passes to see our favorite band up close! See Sy and Ryan? Yeah, they are in front of the crowd, so close to NeedToBreathe.


And after the show, we got to go BACKSTAGE!!!

SQUEEEEE...

Sylas just about jumped out of my arms into the arms of Bear, the lead singer. And then he saw Joe, the drummer and was star-struck. We thought we'd take just a quick pic of Sy with Bear and Joe and let them be on their way, but Sylas would not have it. He put his sweet little hand on Bear's face and asked (repeated-ly), "Where's Bo? Where's Seth?"

And who could resist the tiniest boy with the sweetest voice and the bluest glasses?


Apparently not Bear, as off they went into THE TOUR BUS to find Bo and Seth. All of the guys were so wonderful, answering Sy's unending questions.


Can I say it again? SQUEEEEEE....

It was a happy day, indeed.

Monday, July 5, 2010

It Really is That Color!

She's 18 months TODAY.


And, yes. Her hair really is that color. Indoors, it doesn't look so red, but as soon as the sun hits it, it's like a glorious fire.



In less than a month, Ivy will be the age Sylas was when Ivy was born. And I'm not pregnant. That makes me happy and relieved and [maybe] a little bit sad.


My baby is no longer a baby.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Perfect (a Haiku)

Wind swept baby hair.
Soft chubby limbs running FAST.
Summer perfection.


[Taking Steph up on her haiku challenge].

Friday, June 25, 2010

Complete

Sylas turned 3.

Then he got sick, so his party was delayed.

But the day he felt better, we had a small party with just family. Do you remember how he wanted a purple cupcake? Well, he got one. Oh, yes he did.


Complete with candles.


Sunshine, family, a trampoline and a big purple cupcake...


What else does a 3 year old boy [or any of us] need?

Monday, June 21, 2010

We Heart Misha Lulu

So many of you have written, asking about Ivy's clothes. Especially this dress and this one. Both of these darling creations are by one of our favorite designers, Misha Lulu. Karen, the creativity behind these designs is fabulous and I love the vintage fabrics and shabby chic look of her clothes.

Right now, the mini social is hosting a 50% off sale of almost all of the Misha Lulu spring/summer line! And if you use the code, "NUMBER1FAN," you'll get free shipping! You really can't beat it.

P.S. I was in no way compensated for this post. But if you click over through this link, or sign up using my email address (briannamorrison@gmail.com), after you make your first purchase, I'll receive some bonus bucks to do more shopping at the mini social.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Up and Down and Up

This week I wrote, but only on Bennet's day. Along came June 14 and 15, the days we said good-bye to Tryg Brenton and Lincoln Sean, and my babies on earth [especially Sylas] were sicker than the day before. And the day before that. Coughing and more coughing ringing in my ears. I couldn't hear anything else. I couldn't think anything else.

And when it couldn't get any worse, Sylas coughed so hard he threw up all over [I mean all over] our new couch. The one we've had for three weeks. The one I need to take a picture of because I love it so much.

Deep breath.

Sigh.

I'm coming up for air. Sylas is starting to feel better and I bought some ruffly clothes for myself.

What is it about ruffles that can make a girl feel better?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Until I See You

Three years ago, today, sweet Bennet. I held you for the first time and the last time [on this earth].

And though today was spent cuddling and loving and doctoring your two under the weather siblings, there was still so much capacity in my heart for loving you. For missing you.

In some strange, totally makes sense way, I wish you were sharing in their summer cold. I want to wipe your nose and give you nebulizer treatments and snuggle your feverish body on the couch. I am, and will always be your mom, but I miss being your mom. I miss you.

I love you, my first born boy. And I will always miss you....

Until I see you.


Mommy

Thursday, June 10, 2010

THREE

3 years ago today, our boy was born much too early, weighing only 15 ounces.

[1 day old]

Against all odds, he survived.

[1st time being held at 5 1/2 weeks old.]

He turned 1.


He turned 2.



And now, before our very eyes, he has grown into a kid. I cannot believe he is 3.YEARS.OLD!




Our hearts are so full this day. Though 3 years ago, this day with filled with fear and worry as our children were coming too soon, that's not how we live. June 10th is a happy day. A day of celebration. A day when we put on our best clothes and pull out the good dishes. It's the day Lucia, Bennet, Tryg, Lincoln, Sylas and Cadence were born.

It's the day they lived.

Happy Birthday!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Muchness

Last week Ryan and I watched the new Alice in Wonderland. It was so beautifully creative and inspiring and there is one part I cannot get out of my head. I don't even remember the context. I think Alice was refusing to do something, or too afraid to do something? Anyway, the Mad Hatter looked at the grown-up Alice and said...

"You're not the same as you were before. You used to be much more...muchier. You've lost your muchness."

I feel that. I feel different than I was before. It's not just losing the babies or being busy with the babies I have now. I've become apathetic in so many areas...exercise, house-keeping, working on my relationships [especially my relationship with God].

I've lost my muchness.

It's time to get it back.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Changes

Hi Friends. My blog is in the process of a face lift, so bear with me as things will be changing/looking different over the next few days.

Hope you all are having a lovely weekend.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

All Filled Up

I've mostly been unplugged since coming home from the cruise. Spending my time loving and cuddling and not too much time blogging, tweeting, emailing, blog reading and all of that.

I'm so refreshed. My life feels full.

Ryan had a few days of vacation that had to used by June 1, so he only worked 2 days last week.

And over the weekend we summered it up. We swam, we played and we spent a gazillion hours outside.




{the more time my baby spends outside, the redder her hair gets. it's so strange and lovely}

On Sunday, I wore my favorite dress for Ryan's official licensing as a pastor. I even put on heels, which made me look a bit leggy even though I'm not very tall. It felt good.

The favorite part of the whole weekend? Meeting Uncle D's new puppy.





Winston is gorgeous and so wonderfully gentle with my children. Sy said Winston is his favorite puppy in the whole world and Ivy showed Winston her love by trying to get as close to him as possible, which for her is sitting on his head. Later, she tried feeding him some milk from her bottle, so I think he felt the love.

Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to do some more summer-ing.