Friday, February 27, 2009

Spilled Milk

We arrived safe and sound after a very hectic weekend. Can you believe we have so much stuff that it wouldn't all fit into a 26 foot truck? What have we become? We've spent the last few days trying to unpack our load and get settled in. I think I forgot to mention that we're living with my parents. Yes, my mom and dad are so gracious, they're willing to let their house become entirely cluttered with baby gear. It feels so strange to be home after being away for almost nine years. I need to relearn the culture,the street names and the word soda instead of pop. Most of my friends from High School have moved on, so new friendships need to be formed. I'm praying that I'll quickly connect with other moms in the community. I'm longing for deep relationships in which we can share our highs and lows. It's tough being a mom and we need each other.

Sy and Ivy are adjusting well to the new environment. The most amazing thing since we arrived, is that Bug has never slept better. Prior to moving, he was still getting up 1 or 2 times a night, but the last three nights he has slept 12 hours straight!!! It must be the fresh Wisconsin air. Ahhh the sweet smell of manure. Speaking of cows, whoever came up with the expression, "Don't cry over spilled milk," must not have spent hours upon hours hooked to a breast pump. Spilling three ounces of freshly expressed breast milk gives a woman the right to have a complete meltdown.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Joking Around

Bug is turning into quite the little comedian. Just the other night, he was eating dinner and accidentally scratched his face with a cracker. After a brief pause, he started doing this pathetic little cry. Ryan called me over and said, "I think Sylas is fake crying to be funny." I didn't think it was possible for Sylas to know that it would be funny, so I started talking to him in my most sympathetic tone thinking that he may actually be hurt. No more than two seconds into my comforting, Sy broke out into a grin that looked something like this....

He got me!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

No More Fear

I often find myself thinking about death, and it's not only that I think about death, I tend to live in fear of it. Not for myself. I know where I'm going and I long for the day when I see the Lord in all of His glory and splendor and I long to see my sweet babies again. No, it's not my death I fear, it's Ryan's and Sy's and Ivy's. I feel as though I've had so much ripped away from me, that if I was to lose one of them, I wouldn't survive . This last weekend, I was gripped with fear once again. Not for the whole weekend, but for a brief moment when Ryan called me from the Hospital during the wee hours of Saturday morning. He told me that the doctors wanted to perform a spinal tap on Sylas to rule out meningitis. Knowing Sy had pneumonia was bad enough, but the possibility of meningitis sent me into a tailspin. Meningitis can be fatal and the thought of losing my sweet, joyful, energetic Bug was more than I could bear. As I lied alone in my bed, paralyzed by fear, the Lord in His sweetness once again comforted me with the words of Psalm 139:16, which states, "Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

During the last few months, this verse has brought so much healing to my heart in regards to losing my babies. Yes, I fought as hard as I could while the babies were in my womb, and yes, we used medicine to try and keep them inside for as long as possible, but ultimately the Lord knew how many days our babies would live before they were conceived. It wasn't as long as we wanted them to live, but I've found such comfort in yet another revelation that my God is in control. I don't need to feel guilty or that I'm a failure as a mother, because God ordained that Lincoln would live for only five days and Lucia for forty-two. Bennet and Tryg had only three and four days to live and darling Cadence, only thirteen. I still miss my babies like crazy, but I feel such peace in knowing they lived all the days that God had planned for them to live.

After coming to this place of peace, I thought ok, God must be done speaking to me through this verse in Psalm 139. We can move onto another one. I was wrong. This verse doesn't only apply to the babies I lost, it also applies to the babies I have on this earth. For some reason that's harder to swallow. It's easier to come to a place of peace about my babies who are already gone, but for the babies that I have left, I don't want to relinquish that control. Maybe it's because I don't feel as though Lucia, Bennet, Tryg, Lincoln and Cadence lived long enough and I'm afraid that the days that the Lord has ordained for Sylas and Ivy and even Ryan are going to be too short. I like feeling that I'm in control and I'm the one protecting my children, but the truth is, God is the One who is ultimately looking after them. He loves them more than I do and He's a better protector than I am. Every moment of every day, I NEED to give them over to Him. They belong to Him anyway and by relinquishing the false sense of security that I am in control, I'm finally able to live in that place of peace I so desperately long for.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


Sylas is home! Hooray! Right now he's sleeping peacefully in his own bed. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for him.

Now we'd better get packing. Our move date is only 8 days away!

Sunday News

Ivy and I are soon heading out for the hospital to see Sylas, who according to Ryan had an awesome night! He slept for 10 hours only getting up once to eat. The nurses were very gracious and kept the noise level and sleep interruptions to a minimum. Ryan said that Sy woke up so happy and a bit more energetic than yesterday which is an answer to prayer. The doc hasn't rounded yet, so we're still not sure if Bug can go home today, but we're hopeful.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Sylas Says...

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Mommy and I had a fun, snuggly day together.

We met lots of new people and played with lots of new toys, but what I really want... to go home soon.

Thanks for praying for me.


After a long night of very little sleep, our little Bug is now sleeping peacefully. They are giving him IV fluids and treating his pneumonia with antibiotics, but thankfully he is not needing any extra oxygen. Please pray that he continues to breathe well on his own. Ryan met with the pediatric neurologist this morning and she is fairly certain that Sy's seizure last night was a febrile seizure, and that type of a seizure typically do not cause any long term damage to the brain. However once a child has one of these types of seizures, the risk of having another one is quite high, so we'll be sent home with a medicine similar to Valium in case of a reacurrence. So for now, Ivy and Daddy are napping at home and Bug and I are hanging out at the Hospital reading books and waiting to see if the blood cultures show any more infection. If everything looks good, we may be able to go home tomorrow. A huge thanks to everyone who is praying. I wish I could give you all a big hug.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Hospital Stay

Our Little Man was admitted to the hospital tonight. He had been fine all day and Ryan and I dropped him off to be with his auntie while we went out for dinner. We dropped him off at 6 p.m. and when we picked him up two hours later, he was pale, moaning and throwing up. We rushed to the nearest ER and by the time we got there, he was completely unresponsive to our voices. They told us that he was having a seizure which was probably caused by his high fever. After 3 needle pokes, sedation, a scan of his brain, a urine sample taken by a catheter, a chest x-ray and a nasal swab, we found out that he has pneumonia. The hospital we took him to does not admit children, so Sy and Daddy got to take a ride in the ambulance to Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. Please pray for Bug. Pray that the Lord will quickly bring healing to his body. Pray for grace for Ryan as he comforts Sylas. Pray for wisdom for the entire medical staff as they care for our miracle. Please pray that I will have peace in my heart, as I desperately want to be at the hospital, but I need to be at home with sweet Ivy.

Thank you for loving our family.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

First Haircut

Sylas (along with froggy paci) had his first official haircut yesterday. I've cut the front many times, but we were at the point where his unruly mass was in need of a professional.

The finished product

Saturday, February 7, 2009

No More Tears

Bug has a surgery coming up next week. His stubborn little tear duct refuses to open on its own, so off we go to Children's Hospital for a day trip. We'll head in early Wednesday morning and if all goes well, we should be home by noon. We met with the surgeon yesterday and found out that the actual procedure takes 30-40 seconds. Crazy! If only Sylas would hold still for that long, he wouldn't have to go under general anesthesia.Even though it's a simple procedure, surgery is always a risk, so if you think of it, please pray for our little Sy guy. By next weekend, he should be tear free.

This sweet picture was taken last June. Did you notice the tear?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

One Month

Happy one month since your birth sweet girl. We adore you.

On the Move

Can you guess why our Little Man is so excited?

That's right! We're moving to Wisconsin!!!

Ryan was offered a job as the children's pastor at my parent's church, so we're moving in THREE WEEKS!!! We are thrilled to be a part of this wonderful staff and I'm especially delighted to be so close to my family. On the other hand, we're sad to be leaving all of our friends and family in Minnesota. We've been through so much during the past couple of years and the support we've received from those around us has been phenomenal. We love you all and we'll miss you greatly. If you could all start a blog so I could keep up with your everyday lives, I would really appreciate it.
Everything for the move seems to be falling into place. We sold our van (which we've been wanting to do for months) and our apartment was just subleased yesterday, but still I find myself getting overwhelmed. It could be because I just had Ivy one month ago, and my hormones are still going crazy! Right now, a successful day for me is making sure everyone is bathed, so I have no idea how we're going to have everything ready to go, but I'm confident that the Lord will give us grace for each day.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Little Newsie

I have some big news to share, but while you're waiting, I thought you'd enjoy this little blast from the past.