Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Direction

My heart feels heavy. I've been trying to write Part 2 of our story for months. I just wrote another sentence and that's all I could write. I feel sad, but mostly, I feel...

Direction-less.


Why did this happen to us? What was the point? To be sure, I'm not the same person and hopefully that's a good thing. But I have to believe there's another purpose. Is there something else I should be doing? Where do I go from here?

I feel so direction-less.

14 comments:

  1. My daughter went through a terrible time during her pregnancy, incompentent cervix, surgery, husband slid all the way into multiple additions, lost his job, left the marriage - all through it, I tried to encourage her that God must want her son on earth for some purpose.

    I cannot imagine the hurt you feel, but I believe that God must have a reason for Sylas and Ivy to be on earth.

    You and your husband seem like such wonderful, caring people - in His wisdom, He must know that you will care for Sylas and Ivy for his glory to whatever that purpose is.

    Take Care.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Praying for you continually, Brianna. May God give you the strength to write the words to your story...and find healing in the process. I like what Anonymous said above - that He must have a purpose for Sylas and Ivy...but, even more, I believe He had a purpose for the rest of your children who are no longer here on earth. I'm praying He would give you even a glimpse of that purpose to give you comfort.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm sure you feel overwhelmed when you think of the past few years, but also realize what a blessing your family has been to others.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is hard to try to understand God's plan when it comes to the passing of children. I can't imagine the heartache you must endure. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just have to believe there's a reason I lost a child through a miscarriage or else I drive myself crazy with uncertainty and fear. I, too, have to believe there's a reason for the pregnancy and loss of your 5. I do not believe these things have happened in vain. Yes, we do live in a sinful world where bad things happen, but I believe God IS using you and WILL continue to use you because of your experience. I pray that through the writing and posting of part 2, that you will find more reasons and more healing...maybe not the ones that will make you feel complete (because we will only be complete in heaven), but ones that will ease your mind and spirit even more. It will be so interesting to be in heaven someday and know why God allowed some things like this to happen to us....you know, after we're done being in awe and praising Him for the first 10,000 years! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm praying for you Bri. Praying that the Lord will be your constant source of strength, hope, and encouragement.

    I mentioned you in a post yesterday:
    http://murraycrew.blogspot.com/2009/11/bloggers-unite-march-of-dimes.html

    HUGS from your fellow multiple mama!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Brianna - I can't begin to understand your particular situation, but I do know that there is a lot of hurt and pain in our lives on earth.

    I am a healthcare professional and I was in a neonatal intensive care last week helping to prepare a family to transition to home with their little one and I there was a picture mounted on the wall with a saying I thought was so appropriate for the NICU - and it's something that you and your husband seem to have done so well...

    It said "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain"

    ReplyDelete
  8. I wish I knew the right words to say. No one can possibly understand how you feel or what you've been through.

    Take your time with Part 2. It's an unbelievably important Part of who you are now.

    God Bless you, Ryan, Sylas and Ivy and your beautiful Angels in Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Words probably won't help. You just have to live day by day. And know that we are all here for you - loving you and supporting you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I wish there was an answer to such a simple question - why. But always remember that one day you will see them all again. I miss Ian every day, so I have an idea of what you feel, but to loose five children. You are Ryan are very strong people and great parents. I am really praying you continue to find more peace with each passing day.

    -Misty

    ReplyDelete
  11. You and your story are definitely worth sharing...I have never been where you have, but I can surely feel your pain through your words. Know that you are being prayed for...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thoughtfully processing and embracing "part two" may lead to clarity, direction and purpose in "part three." I don't think there's any "getting over" or "moving on," but embracing the exquisite beauty of the pain with which you greet each day is a testiment to your strength as a mother to each of your children.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Brianna,
    From a 57 year old perspective. When I was 21 we had our first sweet baby, Matthew. Matthew was only with us 19 hours....his heart wasn't formed for life here but in Heaven. What heartbreak and whys. We did go on to have 3 very precious daughters...God blessed us with them and He blessed us in remembering Matthew...comforting others in similar situations, sponsoring little boys through World Vision in his name. Then nearly five years ago our oldest daughter passed at age 29. WHY GOD? I don't know WHY. It is still painful. But sometimes I think it is to help me understand just a small part of what The Father went through giving us HIS SON. There will always be a special piece of your heart for those precious babies...you will never forget them, they are yours forever. But God can confort, He can help and He loves you all so very much.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I also can't imagine the hurt you are feeling either. I don't know why but in the past few weeks, reading through your blog has helped me.
    We are going through our 3rd pregnancy (the first one gave us the most incredible 26 month old). The second one was lost and now we are waiting for our 3rd baby to die. Our baby has a chromosomal abnormality and the heartbeat is expected to stop in the next 3 to 4 days. In a way we would like this to happen sooner then later because we need it to be done. That sounds awful, but we know at this point there is no hope for this life on earth. The heartbeat is slow and the growth is almost none. I am only about 10weeks so we haven't told many people besides family. I guess it feels good to write it down, even though you don't know me.
    Thanks for letting me share.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I love hearing from you.

P.S. I'm sorry for the word verification step, but oh, my. I'm getting lots of spam.