Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Vulnerability

I know I've been suspiciously absent from the blog world. I've purposely not written for fear of the ugliness that might end up on the screen. I started this blog as a place where I could be honest and vulnerable, and while I have been vulnerable with you, it's been a well thought out vulnerability. A proof read, spell checked vulnerability. A neat and tidy vulnerability. At the moment, my thoughts feel so chaotic, that if I were to attempt to tell you how I'm feeling, you kind and lovely readers may feel emotionally vomited upon. I'm trying to sort out what it means to be a wife, a pastor's wife, a daughter, a mother, a medical treatment coordinator, a milk maker, a friend, a blogger, a half marathon runner and most importantly a child of God, all at the same time.

Whew.

While you're all waiting for me to sort myself out, I thought I'd have a little giveaway. Leave a comment, any old comment, on this post by midnight Friday, and you could win a purse sized Aveda Hand Relief. We all could use a little relief now and then, don't you think? I'll choose the winner via random.org, and let you know who was chosen on Saturday.

THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED.

34 comments:

  1. I feel that way about my blog too. I'm afraid that if I really say how I feel, whether it be angry, sad, depressed, etc., then folks reading will think I'm such a negative person, and that I complain all the time. But I don't think about you, and I think you should say what you want!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love reading your blog and miss your updates. Hang in there and I will be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, vommit away on us. Most of us are moms and used to living with a little mess on us any way :-) Don't feel like you have to have it all figured out. Be well and look to Him :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Brianna .... thanks for sharing. I hope you have someone you can emotionally 'vomit' on! I know that I struggle with that .... as I do not connect (trust) with others on a deeper level very well .... fear, etc. I know that I am an hour away .... and really don't know you all to well ... but if you ever just need to vent, please let me know .... I would drive by you or you could get away and come here (if that is possible)...I KNOW with babies - it is hard, but playdates are fun too ... and we don't have many.
    I will be holding your precious face before our Father as you deal with your 'load' .... it is a lot just being a wife and mom .... you have a full plate!

    ReplyDelete
  5. All I want to say is THANK YOU for posting your life to all of us all around the world. I have been reading you blog and have enjoyed watching you kids live and grow. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brianna thanks for the courage you show and Gods love for all of us through you and your words. Well thought out and proofed or in vomit form...God can use it all to reach any one of us at any moment He so chooses. I love that you shared exactly how/where you are right now and I have found myself in a similar place (probably many of your readers do too). It is so easy, I think to be a child of God, when it is just you or even just as a couple but add in other roles....mom, coordinator of care, maid, etc. etc. and little gaps open for us to wonder who we are. I think you nailed it on the head when you stated child of God last....to remind us that even in the multitude of roles we play that take up much of our time ... the one we should most remember is that we are His children. Just like children, we learn and He teaches everyday....and I had forgotten to see that until I read your blog today. I am posting on my mirror (along with my recent verses for memory....) that I am first a Child of God. Thanks the incredible reminder. Praying for His face to shine upon you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's okay to not know for sure what you're feeling.... give yourself the time to sort through it and allow yourself to feel what you feel. The starting point to getting "sorted" is to be honest with yourself and accept your feelings instead of denying them. Hang in there...

    ReplyDelete
  8. I understand the feeling of wearing so many different "hats" and all of the roles being so different. It is definitely hard to sort through that at times. Just continue to ask God for His guidance and you will get on track :) I will be praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Praying for you! Take your time!

    Jamie in Chicago

    ReplyDelete
  10. It seems that so many people are having a week of testing and trying of their walk with Christ. Perhaps that is a good thing...reevaluating and learning and finding a deeper relationship. There is such anger and sadness and a loss of the ability to feel like everything's going to be okay for one more day. Even though deep inside, you know God is real and in control and will hold on, being there is not always a fun ride. As I read more and more blogs, I see it over and over. And I feel it too...especially this week. I have decided to be weak and to ask God to give me strength because I just can't do it right now. I will pray for Him to wrap those arms of love around you as you go through this valley. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Just spill it -- anyone who reads is interested and supports you, otherwise they wouldn't bother reading!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I always enjoy reading your blog posts and will be praying for you as you sort these things out. I've felt this way with blogging before too, but in the end, it always helps me to write out my thoughts and know there are others out there to "listen" and encourage me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. As a new Pastor's Wife who has blogged for a long time, I know what you mean about vomiting on the page and how that makes you hesitant. I just have to say to myself that in this world of hurting souls; people don't want us to be the 'perfect' anything be it Pastor wife, mother, co-worker,etc. I think they crave someone who is real and through that realness (probably not a word) they can see Jesus ~ which is our ultimate desire anyway. I am praying for you family! Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I've been thinking of you all night and morning after reading your post last night. Not knowing what to say but having so much to say. It's hard to feel vulnerable. To let your true and honest feelings show. It takes a lot of courage and I think that you have that strength and courage in you. It's there.

    It's tough being a mom...it's tough having 2 little ones. It's tough having one with challenges...it's tough being a mom who is also grieving. Be kind to yourself. From the moment your first babies were born and you had to slowly say good-bye to 5 of them, you were blessed with precious Sylas to care for. I am sure that was and is such a help on this journey called grief, but I also imagine that it's been tough because you haven't had true time for yourself to just "be." And you are doing a great job! You really are - I hope you allow yourself to see that.

    I know we've never met, but I've followed your story from the moment I first read about your pregnancy on Noemi's blog. Your babies were born at the same gestation as my angels and I prayed so hard for your little ones. Your journey and your strength has touched me more than you know.

    Know that you can "vomit" on me anytime and I will listen/read/offer any support I can. Remember..."hope is what happens as long as we breathe." Just take a deep breath...you are doing great!

    ddjday at comcast dot net

    ReplyDelete
  15. oh bri- vomit away - then we will be like sisters!
    Love ya
    cari

    ReplyDelete
  16. I can totally relate to letting yourself be totally vulnerable on the blog. Ironically, I don't worry about being to vulnerable to blogging buddies....it's the being so vulnerable to co-workers and family that scares me. Sounds backwards, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks for your honesty. I'm just impressed your blog is public. I have a blog where I wrote down some of my feelings while I was struggling with a difficult time of forgiveness. Writing it down really allowed me to let it go, but I would be embarrassed if anyone I knew read it. I'm not ashamed of what I wrote, but people have such high expectations especially for pastor's wives. I do think it is important to be real with others, but we also must be wise.

    I will be praying for you as you sort out all your roles. I know that you will be OK especially with such an awesome God and a loving husband.

    Love in Christ,
    Shannon

    ReplyDelete
  18. Brianna,
    I don't even know you, but I think you are the best Christian I know. You have been through so much, and your faith remains strong. I haven't been tested as much as you, and some days I find it hard to stay strong. You are a wonderful mother and wife, we can tell this from the posts in this blog. Hang in there! Thanks for letting us share in your amazing life!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks so much for being so 'open' and allowing others to share your ups and downs. You have two beautiful children and such a 'beautiful' couple.

    Sheila - VA

    ReplyDelete
  20. I will be praying for you and your family. Hope you start feeling better soon:)
    Khristy P

    ReplyDelete
  21. I know you have NO idea who I am, but I read your blog just about everyday! :) And I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, but your family is always in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I love your updates and your blog...and don't worry about a misspelled word...we all do it. It is part of being a real person. I hope you get the time you need to sort it out...we have all been there in some way shape or form.

    I am thinking and praying for you...you are a strong women...remember that!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Well, I won't say anything about your blog...Instead I'll comment on your twitter comment that I saw on your right-hand side. DANNY! I'm so sad he's gone too! I "loved" him (as much as you can love someone without him/her being your spouse or family member). Besides the fact he is from WISCONSIN(!), he loves Jesus, and I just enjoyed him all the way since his audition. I was so sad to see him go last night! I was really hoping Adam would finally leave!

    Anyway, I look forward to more of your blog, Brianna...Enjoy WI for me!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think about you guys everyday. Love reading your blog. Hand in there...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Bri - I'd consider it a privilege to hold your puke bucket. =) You are a sister in Christ and loved by the King! Praying for you this week!

    Jen

    ReplyDelete
  26. It is ok to feel the way you're feeling. There is so much uncertainty. My son is 7 now and it's still a struggle. He is not unaffected by his prematurity even though he 'looks' normal. Things do get better but there always seems to be something to deal with. I'm thankful for the miracle he is but still feel so sad for the things he has to go though. As a mom, I just want to fix everything and make it better but that can't always happen.

    You say whatever you want on your Blog, it's your Blog. We come here because we want to, because we love and pray for all of your children.

    ReplyDelete
  27. One thing is that it is not easy to link your blog to the sextuplets--I found it on "accident"..people are just so negative about life and anything they see that will cost them money somehow.. it's so sad that people have forgotten the grace and love of other human beings during these trying times. It seems to be a "fever" these days to "take care of your own, and others be damned. I have been so impressed on your continued strong spirit and beliefs through all of this, and your believe in miracles that make each day.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I understand what you are feeling! Blessings on you while you walk this path :)!

    April

    ReplyDelete
  29. Sigh.. I can never understand that pain you've been through that haunts your every day. I can never understand the joy of feeding my own children. But I can understand that frustration that is so similar to my own. As a Pastor's wife I find myself under peoples criticism for everything from how I smile to how I dress! As a Pastors daughter in the area I'm even held in the light of my father. Having a 4 year old boy with multiple diagnoses (Autism, Sever Hyperactivity-ADHD, OCD...) I feel that I am his only advicate in the world who can understand him. Having a two year old daughter who is already ahead of her older brother I feel as if I should try to explain or apologize him away! Being 6 months pregnant I feel like a beach balloon being smacked all over the beach by strangers. Having a blog to which not only my friends but church members, husbands family, and occasionally strangers read I always wonder how much of MYSELF can I reveal to these people?

    It reminds me of that Amy Grant song years ago about hats. Mother, Wife, Daughter, Pastor's wife, Advocate, etc.. it never seems to end.. and where do I begin?

    Let me know if you win that one and figure it out. Share the wisdom you may find. It can truly help the rest of us confused and lost in our lives.

    I really pray it gets better for you.. or at least you find a way to be peaceful in it.

    Meanwhile..vomit away on us.. Lets me know I'm not alone, I'm not horrible for feeling what I do and I'm not somehow messed up! Encouragement is seeing the battles won but no one can see the joy of the victory until we can understand the pain of sacrifice.

    Love you. God bless the family.

    ReplyDelete
  30. i love you and I love Aveda products...especially when they are free!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Just wanted you to know that I am a Transplant from Minnesota to Wisconsin also.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I think it's your blog, you are allowed to vomit in it!!! I also think that we all feel that way, trying to juggle everything, it's difficult! Take a deep breath...
    Jaye

    ReplyDelete
  33. your blog has been fun to read... i am always excited to see wat you put up next... :)

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I love hearing from you.

P.S. I'm sorry for the word verification step, but oh, my. I'm getting lots of spam.