Wednesday, February 18, 2009

No More Fear

I often find myself thinking about death, and it's not only that I think about death, I tend to live in fear of it. Not for myself. I know where I'm going and I long for the day when I see the Lord in all of His glory and splendor and I long to see my sweet babies again. No, it's not my death I fear, it's Ryan's and Sy's and Ivy's. I feel as though I've had so much ripped away from me, that if I was to lose one of them, I wouldn't survive . This last weekend, I was gripped with fear once again. Not for the whole weekend, but for a brief moment when Ryan called me from the Hospital during the wee hours of Saturday morning. He told me that the doctors wanted to perform a spinal tap on Sylas to rule out meningitis. Knowing Sy had pneumonia was bad enough, but the possibility of meningitis sent me into a tailspin. Meningitis can be fatal and the thought of losing my sweet, joyful, energetic Bug was more than I could bear. As I lied alone in my bed, paralyzed by fear, the Lord in His sweetness once again comforted me with the words of Psalm 139:16, which states, "Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

During the last few months, this verse has brought so much healing to my heart in regards to losing my babies. Yes, I fought as hard as I could while the babies were in my womb, and yes, we used medicine to try and keep them inside for as long as possible, but ultimately the Lord knew how many days our babies would live before they were conceived. It wasn't as long as we wanted them to live, but I've found such comfort in yet another revelation that my God is in control. I don't need to feel guilty or that I'm a failure as a mother, because God ordained that Lincoln would live for only five days and Lucia for forty-two. Bennet and Tryg had only three and four days to live and darling Cadence, only thirteen. I still miss my babies like crazy, but I feel such peace in knowing they lived all the days that God had planned for them to live.

After coming to this place of peace, I thought ok, God must be done speaking to me through this verse in Psalm 139. We can move onto another one. I was wrong. This verse doesn't only apply to the babies I lost, it also applies to the babies I have on this earth. For some reason that's harder to swallow. It's easier to come to a place of peace about my babies who are already gone, but for the babies that I have left, I don't want to relinquish that control. Maybe it's because I don't feel as though Lucia, Bennet, Tryg, Lincoln and Cadence lived long enough and I'm afraid that the days that the Lord has ordained for Sylas and Ivy and even Ryan are going to be too short. I like feeling that I'm in control and I'm the one protecting my children, but the truth is, God is the One who is ultimately looking after them. He loves them more than I do and He's a better protector than I am. Every moment of every day, I NEED to give them over to Him. They belong to Him anyway and by relinquishing the false sense of security that I am in control, I'm finally able to live in that place of peace I so desperately long for.

8 comments:

  1. I love this post. I struggle with the same exact thing and have to lay this issue at the feet of Jesus almost daily. I'll pray for you when I pray for myself. Thanks for being so honest!

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  2. Thank you for your authenticity and honesty. I appreciate it. I fear the same thing and pray about it daily. I have to continually give my husband and child to the Lord. His will is perfect....though not always easy.
    Life is hard, but God is good.

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  3. oh bri. You can't deny that your strength comes from the Lord. You amaze me. I love you dear friend.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your heart. I have not experienced loss like you have, but I am sometimes crippled with those same fears. Thank you for sharing that verse, as hard as it is to swallow that our days are numbered, it sweetens it knowing who is in charge.

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  5. Oh wow - what a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for sharing that with us. I have struggled since I lost my babies and since Landon (and even my youngest boys) were born with these same thoughts and emotions and fears...but had not been able to put into words what you so honestly state with this post. Thank you for sharing such a private part of you with all of us. You are a blessing.

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  6. Brinnna, Thank you for being sooo honest! I struggle with that every time I leave Liam...I try to remember that God loves him even more than I do...but I would be a mess if I lost my husband or baby. As a mother...I pray that I never have to experience that loss. Praying for your family during this 'cold' move.

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  7. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your Fears. I fear the same thing. I think moms alike have an inbred protection factor towards our loved ones. I know I do. Just knowing that God is in control and accepting that our children are entrusted to us by God for whatever time that may be makes it a very human emotion. But because of God's love for us and vice versa, it makes that Fear less threatening.

    p.s. Sylas is growing more and more handsome each day. Thanks for sharing your lives with us.

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  8. Brianna,
    I have lived with those same types of thoughts since my marriage, and moreso after our first pregnancy. Through our very difficult pregnancies, our miscarriages, and health-related absences from our children, it has been tough at times not to focus on the pain, loss, and fears! But I think the key is truly where we focus. Trusting God is the source of our peace and joy, which is what the enemy of our souls seeks to rob from us, should we dwell on our fears. (John 10:10)

    Our gracious God knows your needs so well, and even though you may not be aware of all the prayers said for you, He is. I have counted it a special privilege to pray for you, since the day your babies were born. I'm sure there are many other silent prayer warriors interceding on your behalf.

    A verse that really helps me with these kinds of fear is Psalm 118:17, praying it for my loved ones. Also Psalm 138:8.

    I was excited to see that you are moving to Wisconsin. I live there, too! I am praying for you as you move.

    Wishing you peace and joy,
    Teresa

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Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I love hearing from you.

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