I often find myself thinking about death, and it's not only that I think about death, I tend to live in fear of it. Not for myself. I know where I'm going and I long for the day when I see the Lord in all of His glory and splendor and I long to see my sweet babies again. No, it's not my death I fear, it's Ryan's and Sy's and Ivy's. I feel as though I've had so much ripped away from me, that if I was to lose one of them, I wouldn't survive . This last weekend, I was gripped with fear once again. Not for the whole weekend, but for a brief moment when Ryan called me from the Hospital during the wee hours of Saturday morning. He told me that the doctors wanted to perform a spinal tap on Sylas to rule out meningitis. Knowing Sy had pneumonia was bad enough, but the possibility of meningitis sent me into a tailspin. Meningitis can be fatal and the thought of losing my sweet, joyful, energetic Bug was more than I could bear. As I lied alone in my bed, paralyzed by fear, the Lord in His sweetness once again comforted me with the words of Psalm 139:16, which states, "Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
During the last few months, this verse has brought so much healing to my heart in regards to losing my babies. Yes, I fought as hard as I could while the babies were in my womb, and yes, we used medicine to try and keep them inside for as long as possible, but ultimately the Lord knew how many days our babies would live before they were conceived. It wasn't as long as we wanted them to live, but I've found such comfort in yet another revelation that my God is in control. I don't need to feel guilty or that I'm a failure as a mother, because God ordained that Lincoln would live for only five days and Lucia for forty-two. Bennet and Tryg had only three and four days to live and darling Cadence, only thirteen. I still miss my babies like crazy, but I feel such peace in knowing they lived all the days that God had planned for them to live.
After coming to this place of peace, I thought ok, God must be done speaking to me through this verse in Psalm 139. We can move onto another one. I was wrong. This verse doesn't only apply to the babies I lost, it also applies to the babies I have on this earth. For some reason that's harder to swallow. It's easier to come to a place of peace about my babies who are already gone, but for the babies that I have left, I don't want to relinquish that control. Maybe it's because I don't feel as though Lucia, Bennet, Tryg, Lincoln and Cadence lived long enough and I'm afraid that the days that the Lord has ordained for Sylas and Ivy and even Ryan are going to be too short. I like feeling that I'm in control and I'm the one protecting my children, but the truth is, God is the One who is ultimately looking after them. He loves them more than I do and He's a better protector than I am. Every moment of every day, I NEED to give them over to Him. They belong to Him anyway and by relinquishing the false sense of security that I am in control, I'm finally able to live in that place of peace I so desperately long for.