Tuesday, December 23, 2008

18 Months...A Letter to my Daughter Cadence

Dear Sweet Cadence Alana, my beautiful melody, my little dancer in the womb. How I miss you baby girl. A year and a half is too long to go without seeing your face. You were the sixth born and the tiniest of all the babies, but wow you were feisty. If you were still with us now, I do believe that you and Sylas would have been my little partners in crime. I'm so proud to be called your mommy, Cadence. Thank you for staying with us for 13 beautiful days. Every moment spent with you was a dream come true. Daddy and I will carry you in our hearts forever and we can't wait for the day when we will hold you again. Until then, missing you...

Love,
Mommy



Cadence's Song*
By Daddy

Baby Butterfly
Flying so far and free
Lay to rest your little wings
Fly now to me

Fly now to me
Fly now to me
Kiss on Daddy's cheek
Fly now to me

Baby Butterfly
Now it's time for sleep
Tomorrow you'll fly again
But fly now to me

Fly now to me
Fly now to me
Kiss on Mommy's cheek
Fly now to me

Fly now to me
Fly now to me
Kiss on Baby's cheek
Fly now to me
Butterfly now to sleep

*Ryan wrote this song out of a place of great hope the day before Cadence passed away. We had just been told that our tiny little Cadence was on the mend. Little did we know that when Ryan penned the words "Tomorrow you'll fly again," she wouldn't be flying to us, but straight into the arms of our Savior.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bathtime

Thought you could use a little more Sylas in your life...



I'm Okay

So, a few people have asked if I'm doing ok. Well...what mother is really ever ok after losing a child? There will always be 5 little voids in my heart that no one could ever fill and I'm ok with those voids. I don't want anyone else to fill them. They make me long for Heaven even more. In spite of probably never being ok, I'm doing well. During this season, I'm coming to a new place of peace and trust in the Lord. I'm at a place of acknowledging that the lives of the 5 we lost, counted (more on that in another post) and they were beautiful, as opposed to tragic. I'm relishing in this very healthy baby girl that continues to grow safely inside of me and I'm learning to love my husband and my son so completely that it often takes my breath away.

Hope this answers your question. I'm ok...and I'm not, and I'm ok with that.

P.S. Thank you for all of your kind words on the previous posts. They mean the world to me.

Monday, December 15, 2008

18 Months...A Letter to my Son Lincoln

Oh, my sweet baby Lincoln. How have I gone a year and a half without seeing your beautiful face? Sometimes the pain of missing you and the cloak of grief that I bear is so great, I can hardly stand under the weight of it. I miss your sweet little fingers and your sweet little toes. I miss all the questions that you'd soon be asking me, like why is the sky blue and why do eyes have to blink and why do we feel pain. As much as I would try to answer your questions and teach you about the beauty of God's Creation, I think that you would be the one who would end up teaching me. I long to have you with me at this very moment, but for reasons beyond my understanding, your daddy and I were only able to enjoy you for five short days. I will always carry you in my heart, little Linc, and I can't wait to see you again. Until then, missing you...

Love,
Mommy



Sunday, December 14, 2008

18 Months...A Letter to my Son Tryg

I can't believe it's been 18 months since I've seen your darling face my baby Tryg Brenton. It's hard to imagine that you were the biggest of all the babies, yet the most fragile. My mommy heart wanted to protect you so badly, and I guess the best way to do that was to let you go. I'm so glad that you are now healthy and whole in the arms of Jesus, but oh how I miss you. I miss the little things that we'd be doing together right now, like rolling a ball back and forth, reading bedtime stories and if you were anything like your brother Sylas, having midnight snuggles. You were such a champion, Tryg. Thank you for fighting so hard and for staying with us for four beautiful days. Your daddy and I treasure each moment we spent with you and we can't wait to see you again. Until then, missing you...

Love,
Mommy

Saturday, December 13, 2008

18 Months...A Letter to my Son Bennet

Has it really been a year and a half my brave Bennet Ryan? It feels like just yesterday I held your sweet little body in my arms. Oh the pleasure of feeling you settle right in...like you were home. Of all the babies, you were the one I got to hold first and while I felt like a mom when you were in my womb, and I felt like a mom when I looked at you and touched you gently for 3 days while you were in your isollette, the minute I held you, I knew that being your mommy was the greatest gift I'd ever been given. I was made for it. I don't know why daddy and I only got to enjoy you for 3 days, but I do know that I'm eternally grateful for every second we spent together. I carry you in my heart every day, sweet baby. You will always be our first born son and you will always bear your daddy's name. Thank you for being so brave. Having you as our boy was an answer to our prayers and we can't wait to see you again. Until then...missing you.

Love,
Mommy



Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Comparison

Every Monday, during the month of December, Sylas and I are heading over to a friends house to look after her little girl while the nanny is on vacation. She's about 9 months old and is the sweetest thing. It's fun to watch Sylas play and interact with her. He's always right in her face saying, "Hi, hi, hi." The three of us have such a great time playing together. On the other hand, it's difficult for me as I find myself comparing Sylas to her. When I'm alone with Sy, it's easy to be grateful and amazed at how far he's come, but when placed next to other children who are his age or even younger than him, the fact that he is behind is glaringly obvious. It makes me feel sad and worried and guilty. I know that it's just the start and that as he interacts with more and more kids, I'll continue to deal with these emotions. He'll always be a little bit behind, at least physically, unless the Lord heals him of his cerebral palsy and I need to be ok with that. I want to be a mom that NEVER makes him feel as though he's behind and that if he sets his mind to it, he can accomplish anything. Awhile back, when Sylas was hugging both Ryan and I at the same time, Ryan said that if this is all Sylas can ever do, if this is all he ever accomplishes, then I'm the happiest dad in the world. It's true really. I need to remember that what he may be "lacking" when it comes to physical acheivements, he more than makes up for it with his joyful, loving spirit. I'm so proud to be called Sylas' mommy.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Thanksgiving Fun

Wow! What a weekend! We left bright and early Thanksgiving morning for our 5 hour drive to my parents house. We were so thankful to break up the trip by stopping at my mom's parents house along the way. Thanks for the lovely breakfast Granny and Grandpa. We arrived at my parents church at about 1 p.m. where 50 family members were already gathered, feasting on turkey, mashed potatoes and countless desserts. Sylas was the star of the show saying, "Hi" to anyone who would pass his way. It's amazing how much Sylas loves people. The more the merrier for him. He went 8 hours straight without a nap and was still in good spirits. Little party animal.

After Thursday, things slowed down considerably. On Friday, I did a little shopping with my mom while Ryan and Sylas watched Wall-E with my little brother...who sadly is not so little anymore. Saturday we spent the morning with some friends so Ryan could take a few maternity pictures of them, then for dinner our family had the traditional Christmas Belgian waffles with berries and whipped cream. Due to my enlarged state, we will not be travelling for Christmas, so we had to do it a bit early this year. On Sunday, my sisters and I sang a song for church and were accompanied by my mom on the piano, Ryan on the drums and Phil (my sister's boyfriend) on the bass. It was so fun!!! We haven't done anything like that for a long time.

It was such a fun and relaxing weekend, but during the Holidays it's hard not to think of all we've lost and all that could've been. Especially as we watch Sylas interact so well with other kids. We are sad, but mostly we are thankful for each of our seven children and for all of the blessings God has given us.

Practicing the piano with Nonna

Laughing with Papa B.